I Survived

  Being broken for me always means that I must be alone to cry.  I can't explain it, but that is how I best handle things that I just can not do anything else about.

  Such times came often when I was sick. I would cry because I was in pain. I would cry for the things I could no longer do. I would cry in frustration of the side effects of the chemo. When I became "better" I thought that would stop.

  I didn't.

  Now I find myself wallowing in tears, not for myself, but for others. For those who must also fight this monster called cancer. And for those who die fighting. I think, "It is not fair! Why do I get to live when so many others do not? What makes me so special?" And that is when I break.

  Someone once told me that your mission on earth is done when you die. If you are still alive, then your mission is not done. I am still here. What could God still want to do with me? What makes me so special that he keeps me here?

  I haven't answered that question yet, and so I continue to feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. I know they wouldn't want me to feel so sorry for them. I know they would want me to stand up and fight, for myself and for them. So I will. And yet I know, some days, I will break.

I am a Door

I am here, I live, I breathe.

Why am I here?

God put me here.

God always has a reason.

So why am I here?

What will my life do?

How can I serve my God?

What does he want of me?

Where will I go?

What can I do that will please him?

What could possibly be worth the time of my savior?

How can I serve him?

Nothing I do is enough.

I will never be enough.

So why am I even here?

What will I do?

God doesn't need enough.

He just needs someone.

Someone willing to move,

Willing to be a door.

I want to be a door for him.

I want the world to see him,

Through me.

I want to be the door for his love.

God, make me a door.

This is why I am here.

This is my purpose.

To be your love.

I Am Whole

  There are somethings I may never fully understand. Like why I had to be sick. Why I had to quite school. Why I had to endure such horrible pain and suffering just to "get better."  

  While I was sick, all I wanted was to get better, to be made well. I prayed everyday "Lord, make me well." I dreamed of the day my hair would grow back, the day I could go back to work and school.  And would wake up crying because they were just dreams.

  But it came to me, one night, in the deepest part of my depression. Did I have to be made "well" in order to be whole? I asked myself this because during these confusing dark times during my illness, I started to feel, well, strange.

  Strange how, you ask? Well, to start, I was feeling more peaceful in mind and body during my sickness than I had at anytime before. I didn't worry about the little things in life like I used to. I felt rested in spirit despite all those sleepless nights. I was, with no better way to describe it, at peace. With my life, with those around me, and even what was happening to me.

  The best part though, was the closeness I felt to God during those times. I would sing myself to sleep sometimes because I was in so much pain. And I knew with every word he was right there beside me: his presences was undeniable.  

  And so when I write that is it is possible to be made "whole" without being made well, do not scoff. It may seem like a contradiction (God loves doing that). But I have been there. I have been very, very broken.  And in the mist of my brokenness, God has made me whole.  

I am the Hero

  I really wish everyone could understand this. I do not want to belittle what is or was happing to someone, but what you do about it can really make a difference.
 
 Think about it. Most Heroes and Heroines in books and movies start out in a bad place. Look at Katness Everdeen growing up in the least desirable district 12. Look at Harry Potter. Parents dead and he is living under the stairs of a home he is neither welcome or loved in. Do they sit around crying about "poor me"? No. The first chance they have to change their lives comes by and they take it. And they don't spend the rest of their life claiming to be a victim and living off of other's charity because they think they deserve it.

  I have thought about this a lot in regards to my cancer. I could claim it has hurt me too much emotionally to carry on, that it has set me back too much to keep reaching for my goals. But the truth of the matter is I would much rather be the hero of this story, not the victim. I want to be that girl who faced the dragon (a.k.a. cancer) and lived to tell about it. Who fought instead of running and hiding.

 I want to have stories to tell my children so they will be fighters too. Little heroes and heroines in the own right. Until they grow up and face real dragons of their own. I won't be afraid for them then. Because I will know that even though they will face dragons, they will also have heard of brave knights who can defeat them.