"You have cancer."
The three words nobody wants to hear, and I sure did not want to hear them. But I did. And I have leukemia.
But let me back up a moment. I have an overly active mind sometimes and before I knew I had a problem I used to ponder how I would react if I learned I had some sort of deadly decease like cancer. Would I sob uncontrollably? Would I get angry and refuse to except it? Would I cry out to the Creator of the world "Why?!!" Would I retreat into a shell and refuse to talk to people? One thing was for sure, fear would dictate my every move.
Was it posible to except one's fate with grace? I did not think so. At least, I was sure I could not.
Fast forward to a cold January night. I was taken to the hospital for the first time in my life because I fainted while at work. I was always very healthy growing up, no allergies, no broken bones, not even a cavity. So when my 18 year old body suddenly failed me, I was confused and scared. The people at the hospital were kind, but they kept poking me to draw blood. Then the doctor came in and said it was best if I stayed the night, so they could run some more tests. The next day was filled with tests and that night I was told that I had some sort of blood cancer.
It was nothing like I thought it would be. I remember feeling tears fall down my cheeks but it was hardest to watch my mom cry. She left that night and I was alone, staring at the blank hospital walls. For the first time I could collect my thoughts and this is what I found:
1. I had Cancer
2. I could die from this Cancer
3. I wasn't afraid
For a long time I could not make sense of the last one. Was I ignorant? No, I knew the full weight of the situation. Did I just not care? No, I always wished to live long enough to have children and then grandchildren. So there I was, lying in a hospital bed, just being told I could die very soon, and I was not afraid.
Should I have been afraid? I thought I should. Wasn't everybody who was told they had cancer? But every time I even so much as thought about being afraid it felt like something just pushed it out of my mind faster than I could let the emotion settle. Maybe it was all too new to me so I could not grasp it properly. Yet the next morning I felt the same. I remember thinking that the sun rise was beautiful. That my nurse seemed especially kind and cheerful.
A family friend came to see me on her way to work that morning. After talking for a while she asked me "How do you feel about all this?" I replied that I felt that, while it was bad, I knew that somehow everything would work out fine. She smiled a bit and said she felt the same way. She told me that every time she went to pray for me it was like God was telling her I was going to be okay.
It was not until that night that I saw the Doctor again. He told me that I had Leukemia. He told me that I had a very common form of childhood Leukemia. Then he looked me in the eye and said, "You are young and strong, Rachael. With the treatments we have now, I expect you to be fully recovered and cancer free with in a few years."
I blinked.
"I am going to get better?" I whispered.
He smiled and went on to explain some of the treatments to my mother. I watched her cry again as she called to tell my father the good news.
When everybody had left and I was alone again, I thought about my day. I remembered how God had not let me feel alone or afraid, even when faced with death. I never thought He could calm a heart such as mine, one that flipped over such little things, and give me peace. But He did. I could not understand how, but He did.
I always wished for a strong faith, but everything I did never felt like enough. That day I learned that it is not about what I can do, it is about what God can do. To truly grow my faith, I was gonna have to let Him take over every part of my life.
I have cancer, but thanks to God, cancer does not have me.
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